Nick's Horror-scopes

Okay, so I've been pissed off by my latest horoscope. I don't believe in them so much, but they're usually entertaining. This one was shitty. So, here are my own. Garaunteed 100% inaccuracy as of whenever you read this.



Aries
Life is presenting you with many opportunities to travel, so TAKE THEM. RUN AWAY! Sell the night vision camera and shut down the website, too. Your neighbours have already informed the authorities.


Taurus
As much as you may think you've come up smelling of roses, someone knows something they shouldn't. Try to find out who it is before you go on a killing rampage. Learning from your past mistakes is key, as someone will find the graves.


Gemini
Your shit-picking attitude has been getting on the nerves of your friends and co-workers. It may be time to consider a new career. Your personality should be well suited to pimping or bus driving.


Cancer
One word: Chlamydia. Hope it was worth it.


Leo
Your anger issues may lose your friends this month/week/day, Leo, but that doesn't mean your temper always yeilds negative results. HINT: The Aries next door has been filming you and putting it on the Internet. Go bother them.


Virgo
Life is soon to present its bill for the recent good times, and all you can do is embrace this fact. Embrace it well, though, as nothing unnerves bailiffs like a shit-eating grin.



Libra
Your artistic side will come out this month, although in manners which will make your nearest and dearest feel ill. It may, however, be in your best interests to keep sculpting with your poo, as that Taurus you've had your eye on is a serial killer.


Scorpio
Honesty is important this month. Or rather, avoiding honesty. You'll be getting a phone call from a certain Cancer very soon. I suggest you lie your face off.



Sagittarius
The cream will not help. We both know what I mean. It may be time to contact your physician. Or, failing that, your priest.



Capricorn
You have been feeling dissatisfied with life lately, and things aren't about to get better. Maybe some day your ship will come in, and everything will work out fine. Until then, work the fuckin' fryer and flip them burgers.



Aquarius
Resist the temptation to confront your loved ones about certain issues. Now is not the time. Buy a gun first.



Pisces
Spare a thought for al those less fortunate than you this month. This thought need not be sympathetic, and the self-pitying Virgo in your life could definitely use some cruel mockery. It's good for them, and fun for you, you sadistic prick.