iComplain: 5 Things Apple Could Do if they Want Me To Buy Their Shit

I can’t be bothered to check, but I may or may not have been vocal in my refusal to buy Apple products. I don’t know why, maybe I’m just set in my ways, maybe I disagree with their holding products hostage for upgrades, maybe I think Steve Jobs is a twat. Because of one or more of those reasons I have never bought or owned an iPod, a Macbook or an iPhone (Or its inbred cousin, the iPad).

But, Jobs, all is not lost! What follows are some things Apple could do that would make me consider buying their products (if they’re not too expensive and/or I feel the need for something).

1)Waterproof iPods. I don’t really care if my iPod has more memory than my laptop. I doubt there’ll ever be that much music recorded that I like (I may harp on about the shockingly low standards of the listening public at a later date). What would be ace, though, is if I could listen to music while surfing or swimming. Just imagine how rad it would be to destroy your spine on a hidden rocky outcrop as Orchid destroy your eardrums. Okay, maybe that’s more of a personal fantasy. That and being eaten by a shark. Which could also benefit from a badass skramz soundtrack. Whoever makes the first waterproof MP3 player will be the people I buy my first MP3 player from.

2)Admit that no-one will ever watch movies on their iPod. If you know anyone who does, slap them. With a book. Then get them to read the book on a train like a normal person, instead of watching a movie on a tiny little screen like a gimp. It’s just sad, and this is coming from someone who watches TV dramas made for teenage girls.

3)Stop with the pisstake ad campaigns. Okay, the days of Mac versus PC are finally, thankfully over. I think the clear winner was iDon’t Give a Fuck. Still, though, Apple’s ad campaigns have an air of obnoxiousness surpassed only by Lynx commercials (and at least those are so retarded they’re funny). Oooh! Look how thin it is! Yeah? That definitely means it’ll be a great laptop then. Why not tell me how good it is at being a laptop, you dicks? I’m gullible, but not that gullible. On a similar note …

4)Accept that using Apple won’t make me cool. Apple, I’m not cool. My collars do not pop. Team sports make me feel ill. I’m more John Nolan than John Mayer (Massive respect to Mr. Nolan). Get the picture? Thing is, I’ve accepted my place at the back of the line and while I’m not cool, I’m also not stupid enough to delude myself into thinking that making my calls on an iPhone as opposed to my (second hand) Sony Ericsson relic will make me cool. So cut it out.

5)Inform half your customer base that they are wankers. This one’s quite extreme, sure, but I can instantly locate the highest concentration of cunts on any high street just by finding the Apple store. Clearly, I’m not as dumb as I thought (assuming ‘dumb’ is measured on a curve), since all these douches fell for the ‘Apple will make you cool’ schtick. Not that everyone who buys and uses Apple is a pretentious dickhead, but if someone says they work in media but is actually on the dole, you can be sure there’s at least one Apple product in their life. Just saying.

So, there’s my roundup of ways Apple could entice me their way. I was also going to mention jailbreaking (and how it shouldn’t be necessary) and bring up ‘apps and mobile Internet—what’s the difference?’. However, those would require a lot of research and would make for a far more serious edition of Woe (which is the last thing I need after all that sXe malarkey).

The tragic part of this is that I’m giving in to the brand-conscious aspect of the technological age by discussing it. Ultimately, it shouldn’t matter what you’re using as long as it works—and I can’t stress this bit enough—for you. Find out as much as you can before you part with your cash, and always assume your source has an agenda.

And really, don’t let an obnoxious ad campaign get in the way of your final verdict; I just have a low threshold for asshole marketing strategies.

iNcidentally, iLoathe iPod puns,
Nick