If you read the last Woe (and if you haven’t, it’s not far away), you’ll remember that I promised to conduct a little experiment about being straight-edge in a culture as booze-soaked as Britain’s. To this end, I had three nights out in Liverpool. One where I drank my usual amount and had a decent buzz going, one where I didn’t drink or take any drugs and one where I got absolutely shitfaced.
The aim of my experiment was simple: is the amount I enjoy a night linked to the amount the drink? If so, in what way? Anyone looking to pick holes in the scientific validity of this, bear in mind that 1) I’m aware that I drink regularly, so may find being sXe for a night odd 2) this is mostly intended to be a laugh 3) I’m conducting this experiment on my own, so there’s no other results and 4) I’m not being paid, this is being done on my own time and you’re not being forced to read this, you ungrateful cunt.
Right, now that’s out of the way, on to my results!
1)The night in which I was blitzed. I don’t remember this night, but there is photographic evidence in which I appear to be enjoying myself greatly. Also, my friend Liam has given a statement (kinda) which says I was ‘fun’, ‘bouncing around having a laugh’ and ‘not an asshole drunk’. All good signs, right? Sounds like I had a lovely time. Too bad I can’t remember a single fucking thing. This, added to the fact that the night cost me twice as much as I usually spend on a night out (apparently, ‘it’s for science’ doesn’t get you free drinks) makes it less great. I also woke up alone, wearing just my socks and with a sizeable hickey. I may have been sexually abused.
2)The night in which I was sXe. I remember everything about this night, and what I mostly remember is being very self-conscious. When sober, I’m usually quiet (to some, this will be an indicator of just how much of a drunk I am) in a normal situation. In a club, forget it. I added nothing to the conversation, which is probably a good thing as the conversation sucked. Were I drunk, I’d have more than likely thought the bullshit we were chatting was hilarious or profound. On the bright side, I didn’t make a tit out of myself while dancing. Although I found myself unable to enjoy dancing. And, for some reason, the music played in clubs is a lot less awesome when you’re sober. The ultimate plus—and all students will know this is important—is that it was free.
3)A regular night out. Well, I wasn’t bored and I wasn’t raped, so that’s a start. Nights out are a hit-and-miss thing, and the one I’m using as the control in this experiment wasn’t a classic. I had a lovely conversation with a girl named Ashlea (and if you think that’s cool, wait ‘til you see her surname). I went a bit mental on the dancefloor with Liam and his crew (they’re the only people I know who can legitimately be called a ‘crew’), but didn’t fall over or do anything too retarded. The night ended up with a pizza in front of Brainiac at six in the morning with Aly. Good times.
So, a regular night out is the clear winner for me, but the real question is whether or not sXe is a viable lifestyle option if you’re going to be social in a culture as boozy as the UK university system. Well, from my experience, yes. It’s do-able. It’s better than being completely obliterated and it’s inexpensive. I’d only recommend it to those with confidence, or at least fake confidence, though, because I found it pretty fucking terrifying.
Here I have a list of the pros and cons of being sXe:
Pros:
It’s cheaper
No liver damage
You don’t do anything you don’t remember
You’re less likely to do something retarded
No beer gut
No hangover
You’re less likely to be molested
Cons:
There’s no escape from social anxiety
It’s harder to enjoy shitty music
Drunk people are less fun when you’re sober
Your friends may start a Keep Nick Wasted foundation because they don’t actually like you when you’re sober
You’re more aware of the fact that you dance like your parents
Talking to people is harder
You may realise you have nothing in common with your friends other than incipient alcoholism
Dear Woe readers (or ‘miseries’, as I may start calling you), I implore you to never again look on straight-edgers as pussies, or boring. What they do is infinitely harder than getting trashed. The sXe among us should be applauded for their willpower.
Please give generously to the Keep Nick Wasted foundation,
Nick
Showing posts with label lol. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lol. Show all posts
Friday, 21 January 2011
Sunday, 9 January 2011
What Your To-Do List Says About You
This edition of Woe was meant to be something whimsical and silly in which I propose bleak-yet-comedic TV shows that would never (and probably should never) be made, but would improve the state of current programming immensely. However, I’ve been feeling a bit home truth-y, so I decided to instead address something many people are familiar with; the numb, crushing horror of the to-do list.
To-do lists come in many sizes, and can range from being of little or no consequence to completely fucking crucial. The best ones take place over a relatively short period of time (more on that later), and are generally comprised of tasks the to-do list writer should, erm, do.
The real point of a to-do list is to prioritise chores the list writer would rather be bludgeoned to death with their own severed legs than do. That is to say, if there’s anything on the to-do list that doesn’t have to be done, the author of the to-do list has problems.
For example, say the creator of the list writes a snarky blog in their spare time. If the blogger’s to-do list looks like this;
1)Get milk
2)Do washing up
3)Update blog
4)Wash car
That person shouldn’t be blogging, because they view it as a chore. Similarly, if you include ‘work on novel’ in your to-do list, it’s unlikely that the novel will ever be finished. And if it gets finished, it will suck.
As I said earlier, the best to-do lists are over a short period of time. The classic ‘things to do today’ is a personal favourite, but a day can be a bit short. If you’re the type who loses sleep over a list of tasks you failed to complete on time (despite the tasks set and time allocated matters to you and you alone), it’s probably better to go for the more roomy ‘things to do this week’, then add some sub-lists if something can only be done on Tuesday. Tuesday is a good day to do things in town, because Tuesday means the Meatball Marinara is the Sub of the Day.
Lists that last longer than that—culminating in the dreaded ‘things to do in my life’—are just naïve. If you want to plan anything in any detail, there’s no chance you’ll be able to last beyond a fortnight. How do you know what’s going to be going on next month? Will you need to get some bread this exact day next year?
I once found a lifelong to-do list belonging to a lad I knew in high school. This sixteen year-old boy had written—and ticked off—‘find true love’, which I think sums up the kind of people who make to-do lists for life pretty well.
There’s also the danger of getting into metaphysical and philosophical stuff if you make a to-do list for life. I can guarantee that, if you’ve ever made a to-do list with ‘discover meaning of life’ on it, you’ll realise the meaning of life is to suffer. How do I know this? Because you’ll uncover this list that you wrote as an optimistic child many years later, probably shortly after a bereavement, and realise how much of a crushing, brutally complete disappointment you are to your younger self.
But short-term listers aren’t free from making stupid mistakes, either. I’m not going to harp on about never knowing when you’ll get hit by a bus, but I’ll say this: Never, ever write in something cheerful, not even as a treat for cleaning your septic tank. Why? Because someone else might see your list. Imagine, dear reader, you came across this;
1)Change light bulbs in kitchen
2)Have a biscuit :)
3)Walk dog
Just sad, isn’t it? The poor fuck who wrote this list needs to make time in their lives to enjoy a biscuit. And they even drew a little smiley face to remind them it’s an enjoyable thing! Their head must be a bleak wasteland, populated only by overbearing parents and unfaithful ex-lovers.
It’s not a good idea to include anything too mundane either. Consider if someone found a to-do list in which you wrote ‘cut fingernails’. They’d think you’re the sort of person who needs to be reminded in list form that your fingernails are too long. In short, they’d file you under ‘stupid motherfucker’ for life.
Of course, you may not care what other people think about you. If that’s the case, why did you just read an article titled What Your To-Do List Says About You, you retard?
Now for a lovely biscuit :)
Nick
To-do lists come in many sizes, and can range from being of little or no consequence to completely fucking crucial. The best ones take place over a relatively short period of time (more on that later), and are generally comprised of tasks the to-do list writer should, erm, do.
The real point of a to-do list is to prioritise chores the list writer would rather be bludgeoned to death with their own severed legs than do. That is to say, if there’s anything on the to-do list that doesn’t have to be done, the author of the to-do list has problems.
For example, say the creator of the list writes a snarky blog in their spare time. If the blogger’s to-do list looks like this;
1)Get milk
2)Do washing up
3)Update blog
4)Wash car
That person shouldn’t be blogging, because they view it as a chore. Similarly, if you include ‘work on novel’ in your to-do list, it’s unlikely that the novel will ever be finished. And if it gets finished, it will suck.
As I said earlier, the best to-do lists are over a short period of time. The classic ‘things to do today’ is a personal favourite, but a day can be a bit short. If you’re the type who loses sleep over a list of tasks you failed to complete on time (despite the tasks set and time allocated matters to you and you alone), it’s probably better to go for the more roomy ‘things to do this week’, then add some sub-lists if something can only be done on Tuesday. Tuesday is a good day to do things in town, because Tuesday means the Meatball Marinara is the Sub of the Day.
Lists that last longer than that—culminating in the dreaded ‘things to do in my life’—are just naïve. If you want to plan anything in any detail, there’s no chance you’ll be able to last beyond a fortnight. How do you know what’s going to be going on next month? Will you need to get some bread this exact day next year?
I once found a lifelong to-do list belonging to a lad I knew in high school. This sixteen year-old boy had written—and ticked off—‘find true love’, which I think sums up the kind of people who make to-do lists for life pretty well.
There’s also the danger of getting into metaphysical and philosophical stuff if you make a to-do list for life. I can guarantee that, if you’ve ever made a to-do list with ‘discover meaning of life’ on it, you’ll realise the meaning of life is to suffer. How do I know this? Because you’ll uncover this list that you wrote as an optimistic child many years later, probably shortly after a bereavement, and realise how much of a crushing, brutally complete disappointment you are to your younger self.
But short-term listers aren’t free from making stupid mistakes, either. I’m not going to harp on about never knowing when you’ll get hit by a bus, but I’ll say this: Never, ever write in something cheerful, not even as a treat for cleaning your septic tank. Why? Because someone else might see your list. Imagine, dear reader, you came across this;
1)Change light bulbs in kitchen
2)Have a biscuit :)
3)Walk dog
Just sad, isn’t it? The poor fuck who wrote this list needs to make time in their lives to enjoy a biscuit. And they even drew a little smiley face to remind them it’s an enjoyable thing! Their head must be a bleak wasteland, populated only by overbearing parents and unfaithful ex-lovers.
It’s not a good idea to include anything too mundane either. Consider if someone found a to-do list in which you wrote ‘cut fingernails’. They’d think you’re the sort of person who needs to be reminded in list form that your fingernails are too long. In short, they’d file you under ‘stupid motherfucker’ for life.
Of course, you may not care what other people think about you. If that’s the case, why did you just read an article titled What Your To-Do List Says About You, you retard?
Now for a lovely biscuit :)
Nick
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