Five Things I Learned Watching 'Come Dine With Me'

If you already know about Come Dine with Me, you may wanna skip the first two paragraphs.

Reality TV is the programming equivalent of being slapped in the face by an octogenarian ballbag. Similarly, cookery shows are a bit like RE lessons in school; anyone who gives a fuck knows it all already. So, what happens in the event of a crossover?

In a remarkable instance of two wrongs making a right, we’re given Come Dine with Me. The show in which random plebs compete for a grand by being two-faced about each other, passive-aggressive and generally unpleasant. All set to gloriously snarky narration by Dave Lamb. There’s even a celebrity version. What’s more, I’ve even heard of some of the celebrities in the celebrity version. Here’s five things I learned from watching it;

1)Picky eaters are everywhere. Seriously. Every goddamn week, one of them is gonna refuse to eat something. Rarely for a reason, as vegetarians are usually catered for. This is another example of why people should be exterminated for being annoying. Don’t like it? It’s fucking food. Eat it, enjoy the sustenance, then give the cook a low score. Don’t kick up fuss at the dinner table like a stupid motherfucker, because then everyone hates you.

2)‘Real people’ are every bit as vapid as celebrities. When Big Brother oozed into the national consciousness, Channel 4 realised they needed a selling point for that shitfest. It was touted as being ‘real lives of real people’ and therefore more interesting than celebrities. Hence, ‘reality TV’ instead of ‘retina-burningly shitty TV’. Anyway, as if Big Brother wasn’t enough proof, the contrast between the celebrity and civilian Come Dine with Me is simply that the celebrities are prettier. That’s it. So, the choice is watching a bunch of boring, shitty ugly people or a bunch of boring, shitty passably attractive people. No-brainer, innit?

3)Talentless camp men are the most annoying thing on the planet. I forgive Louis Spence and Gok Wan (among others), because they have talent (be those talents dancing, or lying to fat people) and they’re fucking awesome at what they do. However, when a dude with that ‘tude (sorry, couldn’t resist the rhyme) and no skill to back it up appears on TV, it sends me into fits of rage. But Nick, I hear you cry, he’s just being himself! Yeah? Well himself is a cunt and should work on not being so annoying. That might make up for his lack of redeeming features. Hell, if he wasn’t such a pain in the ass, he wouldn’t need redeeming features.

4)Keith Buckley improves everything. No, Keith hasn’t been on Celebrity Come Dine with Me, but wouldn’t it be brilliant? Just picture the BBQ scene from the Party Pooper DVD, only with three added confused people who used to be famous. Don’t you grin just thinking about that? I seriously think Keith would rule at it, too. The dude’s ferociously intelligent and talks about being an attentive host like it’s something to be ashamed of. Man, I want an ETIDine with Me (Every Time I Dine?) to air now. I’ll start petitioning them on Facebook.

5)Don’t leave your stuff lying around. Every freakin’ episode, someone’s underwear draw in ransacked and a discovery is made. Be it a dildo, sexy lingerie, or full-on bondage gear, it’s there in front of the watching nation. You’d think people would be prepared for that shit. Sure, maybe you have specialist tastes and need to advertise or else spend your life alone, but for fuck sake have some class. Lock up the really crazy stuff, just drop a few hints. Leave the power tools on display, but clean up a bit and hide your nephew’s corpse somewhere a snooping dinner guest won’t find it.

So, that’s five things I learned from C4’s greatest reality show (although it’s pretty much the only good one ever), Come Dine with Me, although I pretty much suspected number 4 anyway.

Party pooper extraordinaire,
Nick